On Being A Momma

Revenge Parenting

Over my many years of raising children, now being a grandmother and also being administrator over hundreds of homeschool families through the years, I feel I have at least a small amount of experience through which I have seen many types of parenting. One of these is “revenge parenting” and I want to address this because it is very concerning to me.

For the most part, children come into a family because of love. A desire to become one is what the marriage concept is all about; uniting together to become one. And the fruit of that oneness is the joining together and creation of a new being – a child. Even for parents who are physically unable, for whatever reason, to produce a child from their own bodies, there is the opportunity to adopt a child as a product of their love for one another.

God’s plan has always been for a man and woman to join together and bear fruit and raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Throughout His Word, God gives us the instructions of how we are to raise Godly seed that will in turn praise and honor and obey Him, the Lord, their God. His descriptions are very clear and the results are equally as clear. He, being the excellent God and Father that He is, also points out the results of failure if we do not follow His parenting plan.

As always, though, the majority of parents have their own plan and agenda and only when they have reached a disaster point do they turn to Him and ask the eternal question “WHY?”. Why did my children turn out so wild? Why do my children not respect me? Why do my children go against everything that I taught them? Why are my children not following the Lord? Why? Why? Why?

I will not pretend that I have the answer to all of that. I don’t. But I do have the answer to one facet of the problem and that is “revenge parenting”. Allow me to offer a definition. Revenge parenting in my terminology is parenting based on what you hated in your own parents. Have you ever heard or said the phrase, “I hated it when my parents did ______________(fill in the blank) and so I am not going to do that with my kids.” Sound familiar. Now I am not referring here to abusive behavior: My mother beat me so I am not going to beat my children. That is obvious!! Allow me to give you some examples of what I mean.

“Every day, my mother forced me to eat vegetables and I gagged. I am not going to do that to my child.”

“I hated naps when I was a child, so I am not going to make my children take them.”

“My father always made me say “Sir or Ma’am” and I am not going to make my child say that.”

“I was forced to go to church all the time and now I hate it – I am allowing my child to decide for himself.”

This list could go on and on and on. Do any of these sound remotely familiar to you?

I was reading an excerpt from a book by Betty Freidan, one of the perpetrators of the modern feminist movement. I found it quite by accident and I read with amazement how she resented her parents raising so much that it imprinted on her this incredible desire for women to have control of everything. But as I read her account in her own words, I was stunned at the fact that she grew up in a very comfortable life, in a home with two parents who loved her, a maid, chauffer and cook. She was never abused and enjoyed school and excelled in many endeavors. Her parents had arguments about finances, mainly because her mother tended to over-charge charge accounts and make frivolous purchases during the Depression. Yet, even though she painted a fairly innocuous scene of family life, she determined that she was going to make changes so that no woman would have to suffer such difficulty again. HUH????? Thanks so much, Betty, for using your non-abused childhood to bring about such havoc and disgrace in our modern society. She became a tool of the devil. The reason I point this out is to show how easily we, as selfish humans, can take something that our flesh is unhappy about and use it as an excuse to disobey and walk in rebellion to God’s Word. And this is what this kind of revenge parenting is all about.

All that call themselves a child of God, a Christian, are in a continual war against the flesh. As a Christian, we are to walk in holiness, Godliness and obedience to His Word. The difficulty is that our flesh doesn’t want to die. It wants to live and be fed daily so that it can remain a powerful force. Sadly, most believe that their flesh-man is who they are – their identity is based on those fleshly desires, traits and experiences. When we come to the Lord, when we give control over to Him and choose to live His life, then we must renounce all that is flesh and turn away from it. I don’t mean that we should stop taking care of our physical body, but we must endeavor to destroy all those works of the flesh that feed that selfish nature, that sinful nature. We can no longer claim control over our own lives and choose to be the ruler. That position, once we are born again, should and must go to God alone. We then become His servants and His bond slave and we are required to do HIS will not our own. As parents, we then must determine what His parenting philosophy is.

Let’s look at the scripture:

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” – obviously, this means that we are to work with our child bending, pruning, guiding them in a certain direction just as you would train a vine on a trellis – gently but firmly, diligently directing them to a stable structure. That stable structure cannot be all the things YOU didn’t like as a child. That is not stability. The Word of God is the only stable and unchanging cornerpost that we have.

Proverbs 16:21 “The wise in heart shall be called prudent: and the sweetness of the lips increaseth learning.” – An old saying “you can catch more flies with honey” is very true. Gently spoken words of instruction are much more honored and respected than screaming and yelling, through gritted teeth. And prudent means “careful and sensible; marked by sound judgment”. Making a parenting decision based on something you didn’t like when you were a child is not common sense. It is based on selfish, childish desires. You didn’t like spinach therefore you are not going to make your child eat spinach. Honestly, is that really a careful, sensible, sound judgment? I don’t think so.

Proverbs 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” – Oh, I can hear those politically correct folks howling now. Hey, take it up with God – it is His Word! I am just His servant. The rod is obviously speaking to the issue of spanking, switching or whatever you want to call it. Let’s not waste time and energy on arguing about beating a child. That is clearly not what the Lord desired for his people to do. But He did desire for us to train our children and be prepared to spank them when necessary. A small child does not have the reasoning capabilities that some folks want to think they do. They are not able to make sound judgments at 3 and 4 years old. It takes time to learn and part of that learning process is learning through suffering.

A spanking given in love or a hickory switch across the back of the legs creates an understanding that words cannot always convey. We learn not to touch a hot iron after we feel the pain of a burn. To tell a child “hot” is understandable but until that child feels what “hot” means, the word is pointless. Thankfully, if we are carefully watching our child they will never suffer more than a momentary example of the pain. Do we take their little hand and hold it on a hot iron to teach them – let’s not be foolish. Only a sadist would do such a thing, but I have yet to know of a child that did not at some point get a small burn through their childhood. Our Sarah grabbed a hot curling iron when she was a toddler. I was cooking supper and she toddled down the hall, through the back bedroom and into a bathroom before I knew what was happening and she still has a small scar on her arm over 20 years later. I believe that I cried more than she did over that burn, but she never touched another curling iron.

That little incident with Sarah is a perfect example of this scripture. A reproof – (saying “hot”) is not enough, a rod (suffering) is also necessary. Together those things: rod and reproof bring wisdom. The second part of this scripture tells us that as a result of not using a “rod and reproof” – the operative word is “BUT” - is the same as leaving a child to himself and THAT is a shameful thing against his mother. Now let’s think about what it means “left to himself”. Does this denote a picture of a sensible and careful judgement on the part of the child. Hah! It means leaving that child to his own sinful nature, his flesh man. Yes, our precious little cuddle bug babies have a sinful, flesh nature. They want what they want when they want it. Don’t we all? Of course, we do – until we come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and we accept Him as Lord and Saviour and THEN begin to walk in His ways and His life.

In all of this discussion I want to keep us close to the point of the article – revenge parenting. I am focusing on how we, as former children, sometimes determine how we are going to raise our children by the judgments we made against the reproof our own parents when we were in a rebellious state as children. Whew! That was one long sentence and I am sure it is not grammatically correct, but the point is clear. Let me add in here that much of the modern physcodrama of parenting has become accepted by even Christian parents today because it has been drilled into us and to our parents as well.

Next to our walk with God, parenting must be the most careful, intentional, determined, focused part of our lives. Each and every decision must be based solely on the leading of the Holy Spirit through His Word. We cannot allow our own childish experiences to be the determining factor in how we will handle our children.

Proverbs 19:18 “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” Recently, I experienced a great sorrow along the lines of this scripture. I saw a clear example of parents who had come to the realization that it was too late for them to discipline their son. They are now going to send him off in hopes that someone else can bring him around. How tragic. So many parents, so many children – suffering because they have bought into a lie. They are daily walking in uncertainty and strife because of the past and it is making the future cloudy as well.

One thing I learned as a young girl who loved to be in the woods – if you find yourself in the wrong place, don’t keep going. Stop! Our society seems to think that there is some insanity in stopping. If you see that what you are doing is not working, don’t keep doing it. When it comes to parenting you must realize that a life is at stake. An entire future hinges on whether or not you can admit you are/were wrong and turn around and do something different. There is nothing – NOTHING – more important than your relationship with God. After that your most important task, if you are a parent, is to raise that child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, HIS way, not yours.

Isaiah 55:8- 9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Momma, I’m Bored!

Have you ever heard these words before? If you are a mother of a child that is old enough to communicate you probably have. And of course, it isn’t just the statement of the word “bored” it is the multi-syllabic dragging out of the word “bored” that really makes every nerve in the body just quiver. Am I right? Yep, I am right!

Our girls are pretty much grown now and they have learned how to spend their time in useful and productive ways. Instead of always being dependent on their mother’s agenda for the day they have established their own plans of action. This is truly the reward I find to spending those younger years teaching them that every moment is precious and nothing that is past can be regained as far as time is concerned.

Paul and I are big advocates of goal setting and being productive. We are that way ourselves and find that in our experience it is the best way to live a life. If you never set a goal then you will never accomplish anything. Also, the scriptures reveal to us that our Heavenly Father is a God of planning and accomplishing. He doesn’t just wonder what comes next and He doesn’t wait around to see what might “pop” up. He is THE excellent example of someone who plans ahead. Now I have said all that to say this – children become bored when they do not have a plan – a vision – a passion to follow. It is within all of us as humans to be creative. That is because every one of us is made in the Image of God and God is a creative being. Now obviously we cannot create anything in the true sense but we can use what the Lord has provided to make new things and spend our time in a constructive manner.

I so admire parents who teach their children early on how to work properly. There is a method to work itself - the planning, preparation and then the execution of any task. It is a fulfilling process in every area: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually (if the task is wholesome and good in nature). So how does this help us to deal with the “I’m Bored” syndrome? Very simple – boredom stems from a lack of imagination and stimulation and through learned helplessness. I was doing some research and found an interesting discussion on depression and how learned helplessness is such a major part of the problem. In this case people convince themselves – through experiences - that they are not capable of creativity and invention. They then further decide that there is nothing that they can do to lift themselves out of the hole that they are in and therefore require someone else to stimulate and direct them. The tragedy is that this is not rare – it is becoming common place in our society and even worse in our children.

I could continue to dwell on the discussion of how this came to be or should I say comes to be in the lives of our family and children, but there again time is wasting and we need to get on to the solution. Since my own childhood I fully believed that there was a great deal of adventure in this world. Paul and I both love the outdoors, nature and in general God’s creation. We love camping, hiking, fishing, canoeing, animals, gardening. If it was outdoors we loved it. This love of nature led us both to love the concept of learning through reading and doing. The actual physical DOING part of learning. You can read all day long – 24/7 – but you don’t really assimilate the information until you actually DO SOMETHING with it. As a result of this, we both – in our own different growing up process - developed a keen sense of the need to pursue many interests. Once we became parents this is the avenue we chose for raising our children. I have to add here that neither Paul nor I care for sports much. Football, basketball, soccer, baseball, competitive swimming, car-racing, etc have never held any interest for us and I believe the biggest reason is that there is nothing to show for it when you’re through. (I did play volleyball in high school and we had a team that went to state competitions but all I gained from this was knees that now have arthritis.) Granted, if you are good at those things you might get a trophy or something but judging by all the trophies we see at the Thrift Store those have little value even to the folks that win them. So for us spending time or money on sports was wasteful and useless.

So, that being said, let us move on to the more productive possibilities for our children. Begin by really watching your children and talking to them. See what interests they have naturally and if you don’t know anything about that area that is okay. I have found without exception that when we desired to learn something the Lord provided a way – whether it be soap-making or beekeeping or doing charcoal drawings – there is a way to learn. When a child is encouraged in something creative that they desire to do then they will work on that until they have conquered it. This is the character building part of the whole thing. It is vitally important that we not put our own desires on our children. I would love for all of my children to pursue the crafts and skills that I love but that is not really the goal. The goal is to help them establish the things that call to their hearts. The things that the Lord has gifted them to do.

Now, has the Lord called your child to be a master at X-box or Game Cube – that is not for me to say but ask yourself honestly is this something that is going to truly bring inner satisfaction in your child’s life? Is this a skill that will help your son or daughter become the best person they can be? Will he/she find a deep sense of accomplishment in this activity? Yes, they are fun and challenging but really aren’t they adding more to the problem of “I’m bored”. I think the answer is a resounding yes, because when that game is cut off is when the problems begin.

When your child comes to you with an excitement in their voice about something they read or something they saw this is when you need to pay attention. Are they reading books about history? Are they looking at television shows about the oceans? Whenever Dad gets out his tools and begins to work on the car, is your son always there? Does your little girl always want to doctor the kittens? If you take away all the electronic stimuli and the pre-digested materials that our modern world offer, where does your child’s thoughts turn? And food is not a creative activity – unless they are baking or cake-decorating or something like that. J Parenting is a very time consuming occupation. We must take time to find that inner talent that each and every one of our children have and nurture it.

Let me add here the opposite side of the coin. There are some parents who are so eager to develop their children that they never allow them to explore on their own. This is where the learned helplessness comes in. Everytime a child says that like something – let’s say Indians – the parent signs them up for 3 weeks of summer camp that is all about Indians. Don’t go overboard!! Don’t buy the largest chemistry set from the Smithsonian because your son poured vinegar over doughnuts to see what would happen. Allow them to explore things within reason and don’t overload them with STUFF.

Finally let me say this – if you want to defeat the “I’m Bored” syndrome – get rid of the TV, electronic games, and much of the computer time. Have your children get outside and give them the opportunity to see God’s creation. Instead of buying a computer game for Christmas buy them a pup tent and a sleeping bag. There are some children who have already learned at 5 and 6 years old that air-conditioning, upholstery, cokes and chips and a remote control are signs of the good life. This is killing them in every way and it is time for drastic action. Don’t buy your sons electronics – buy them legos. Don’t allow your daughter to sit on a rainy day and watch TV – give her a needle and thread and scraps of fabric and let her make doll clothes. When that toaster stops working – cut off the cord and hand the toaster to your son with a screwdriver and let him take the whole thing apart.

I encourage you to truly seek God on this issue. Don’t become a bystander in enabling your child to become a robot of our modern and electronic society. “Momma, I’m Bored” is a desperate call for help and might I add that Daddy needs to take action too!!

Before I close, allow me one more observation please. If your children see you enjoying a creative activity then they are much more likely to seek one out as well. If Momma has to get in the car every day and head to somewhere then her children learn that outside home is where the fun is. If Daddy gets a day off work and has to leave home to go golfing or fishing without his family, then your children learn that family is not necessarily the place where rest and enjoyment are found. I don’t mean the rare occasion of being out – I mean the continual going. Our actions truly do teach our children far more than our words ever could.

Olivia's Victory

Good Monday Morning Everyone!

Paul was reading in the newspaper yesterday that our meteorologists are not expecting any real rain for the next two months. They said all we will get is those possible “popcorn” thunderstorms in the late afternoon. Of course in that we might get 10 minutes of heavy downpour that runs off too quickly to be absorbed. But as I have mentioned before this keeps our focus on THE Source and we trust in Him and not in the weather patterns nor in the meteorologists. He knows our need and He will provide no matter how the circumstances look.

This morning we were out at 5:30 adding a partition to our turkey pen. We have 13 young turkeys that have been in the turkey/chicken tractor and needed to go into the permanent pen, but every time we tried to incorporate them the adults went ballistic. The toms were trying to stomp them and the hens were pecking at them something fierce. So we decided to add some fencing inside and divide the pen into two sections. This will allow them close proximity for the adults to get used to the young ones and then eventually we will put the just the toms in the partition area and the hens in the other area.

We can fatten the toms up for winter butchering better this way. As we were working on all of this, Erin peeked into the stall area where the nests and roosts are and low and behold there was a new hatchling. It is now comfortably residing in the laundry room in a basket with a heat light, food and water.

You might ask why we were outside at 5:30 a.m. To be honest, it is for safety. In this heat and humidity we would be in danger if we tried to do much outside in the heat of the day. Last year, as some of you may remember, I had heat exhaustion and was in the Emergency Room for about 8 hours. We are much more careful with everyone in the family now.

Along the line of getting up early I wanted to share something about Olivia.

Olivia has always been very much like me in that she loves to sleep. It was like a battle every morning to get her up and moving and even then she would not be in a very happy mood. We addressed this in every way we could think of: sweet cajoling, back rubbing, fussing, pointing out that everyone else was up and happy, punishment and most importantly discussion with scripture about being slovenly and lazy. Nothing seemed to work! But one morning something changed – Olivia decided to change. Let me share what happened.

I have MANY plants that are in pots outside. This year, due to the heat and lack of rain I have had to water them everyday which takes about 45 minutes. As the summer has heated up earlier every day I realized that I needed someone to help me with this and so I offered a little extra on Olivia’s allowance if she would take over the job. She was glad to help but also to earn a little extra money for the summer. So she began to set her alarm clock especially early and get outside to water and do her chores before the sun got high. For almost two weeks she was up before anyone else in the family. She was dressed, had all her outside chores done, including the plant watering, had breakfast and was busy working on school before 7:00 each morning. And all without one word from me or Paul. It was a miracle!

I am sad to say that I was really waiting for the enthusiasm to fade and for us to be back to where we began. This past Saturday was the moment of truth. It was 7:30 and I was making muffins. The girls began to come out of their rooms one by one and Olivia was still asleep. I began to pray for her. As the house became a little noisy with the activity of the morning Olivia came into the kitchen, very sleepy eyed, and said “Momma, I forgot to set my alarm!!” She raced to get dressed and get herself outside to do her chores. We were almost finished with breakfast when she finally came in, covered with sweat and red-faced. After washing up she came to the table to eat and she requested of the entire family, “From now on if you are up and I am not, please wake me up. Getting up late ruins my whole day!”

Even now, as I sit here typing this I cannot help but smile! She was up early again yesterday and, this morning as we were dressing to go out to deal with the turkeys, I heard her little horse alarm clock. Instead of ringing or buzzing it whinnies like a horse (scares the dogs half to death J). The sweetness of the victory, from a battle that has been long fought, is precious indeed. Olivia has grown up and no longer must I be responsible for her in this area for she has now gained maturity and taken the responsibility for herself. With each battle and subsequent victory she is gaining strength in her inner being and becoming more the person that the Lord desires her to be.

This Sunday we listened to a tape called “On To Perfection” and its point was that we must move past the “milk” and on to the “meat” if we are ever going to become the reflection of our Lord, Jesus Christ. We must press on and push forward and demand obedience from ourselves: body, mind and spirit if we are to become mature Christians. We cannot be continually dependent on someone else to remind us of what we are to do, how to do it and when to do it. Only then can we be truly useful vessels to the Lord!

Olivia has, with the help of the Lord, reached another level of maturity and it is a blessing to her and to her family to see it. We all have areas where the Lord is speaking to us - to mature us. The question to ask is not, "Lord is there an area where I am not being responsible and mature?" The real question is "Lord, which area do we work on today?" Until we are in heaven at the foot of the throne, we all need to be working to mature and grow in the things of the Lord. J

Delayed Mother’s Day – Or Was It?

It is now 9:00 pm on Mother’s Day. We have spent the last three days at a heritage festival in Springville, Alabama at Homestead Hollow. It is one of those childhood dreams of mine that the Lord has brought to life, to share heritage skills with others in a beautiful historical setting.

Our entire family demonstrates different skills of the past and of our “present”. Paul shears the sheep and makes lye soap. I cook on the hearth in the cookhouse and spin wool. Haley spins wool. Sarah helps with dipping candles the traditional way in an old iron pot over a fire. Erin helps with making the soap and sometimes blacksmithing and Olivia churns butter and gets it ready to serve to the visitors.

But this weekend was Mother’s Day weekend. We all knew that we would be so busy with the tasks at hand that there would be no time for us to think about Mother’s Day so we all agreed that we would celebrate Mother’s Day next Sunday. Paul and the girls like to make me breakfast, get me a Sunday paper and bring me coffee and just generally let me do nothing all day long. Several years ago, I ask them to please not give me any more gifts as I have no where else to put things in our house. But they usually ignore that and buy me little usable items that I like. And pretty much every year they will give me a new rose plant. I just love roses!!

So today as we woke the girls at 5:00 a.m. to get ready for our trek to Homestead Hollow they were tired already from the previous two days. We dressed, fed the animals, loaded our things and headed out. I found a little card and gift on the dash of our van – “To Momma”. “Okay, someone cheated!” Haley just couldn’t wait – a precious card and a little glass enclosed poem and flowers “To Mother”. The metal around the glass was copper, which is another of my favorites.

The day was very busy with the activities – making sure that the fire was going in the fireplace and coals were ready for the Dutch ovens. I was cooking biscuits for the folks to sample as they came through the cabin. Paul was working on the fire and getting the pots ready for the stew that I would cook for lunch. The cookhouse where I was has a large Dutch door and big opening on one side where the folks can look in and see the inside.

As I was cutting the first batch of biscuits I looked out to see Olivia and Erin hugging Mr. Stitcher – the herb man. They were laughing and talking. He was telling them a wonderful tale about trekking along the creek to find some pitcher plants or jewel weed.

A painter across the way had come to visit to share with us how he had been watching our girls for several years – seeing them grow. He told Paul how amazed he was at how polite and kind the girls were and how they were always helping someone. He had seen Sarah helping Mrs. Sally dip candles all those times and he was touched by her willingness to help.

I could hear Haley in the cabin playing the old pump organ – “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound”. Indeed – How sweet the sound!! My heart was absolutely on fire. The realization at that moment for me that our girls were so content, so blessed, so completely happy. The best Mother’s Day present in the world was being given to me. Not by Paul and not by my children, but by my Heavenly Father. He was revealing in each scene the pure and complete joy of watching the children He has blessed us with be blessings to others.

One of the most beautiful scriptures in the Bible to me is “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” 3 John 1:4 I have prayed for many years that the Lord would grant me this as a mother. That my children would walk in truth. No, they are not perfect. They are sheep of the Shepherd and like all sheep they have gone astray. But their hearts are to serve. Each of the girls is diligent to put others first. Why? Because they know the pain of being brushed aside. They know the grief of being rejected by ones that they love. They have felt the pain of conviction and experienced the joy of redemption. Through the years our family has been through many trials – some which were brought on by our own failures and sins – some by the failures and sins of others. But one thing remains and this is what we have taught our children.

When you show love to others then you are showing love to Father God. Jesus came to provide the way for us to be with our Father in heaven. It is our responsibility to thank Him by showing love to others and caring for others, as He would do if He were walking this earth physically. We prove our salvation by serving His people. So, as the official Mother’s Day passes and our family Mother’s Day approaches it is very real to me that our girls make every day Mother’s Day for me. To know that others are blessed and helped by your children is a wonderful gift for a mother.